“Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine. “
August 10, 2011
“My new assistant. He’s gonna place an updated schedule under our doors every morning of all the spiritual places and temples that we need to see and expedite hotels and transportation and everything.”
April 30, 2011
I wanna take this opportunity to not only admit my guilt, but invite you to enjoy the fruits of my behavior. I recently started a new blog with Mike Paulucci. People call him Paulooch, I sometimes do too. It’s a daily blog, it’s…it’s hard to explain. Listen, it’s not you, it’s me. It’s me and my big thick attitude. It’s an attitude that doesn’t deserve a guy like you. You’re a guy who doesn’t deserve an attitude like mine. My attitude and your glowing aura of love and honor don’t hang out at the same gay bars…They just don’t have the same things in common. My tude lovcd going to rollerderbies, while your aura has always loved flea markets and carnival rides. My big, thick, tude. I tell ya.
BUT….it’s not over. The horse is still in the race, and the prize is just as worthy.
Guess what this isn’t…a heart breaking. It’s a heart coming back together. Our hearts have once fallen on sharp daggers. That day is behind us and the strings now pull together. Please, when your eyes wonder without your guidance, let them wonder onto a new and exciting daily blog update that offers no real threat to our own blog..but additional inspiration and laughs and art.
Please, if you would do us the honor…www.yourplaidpants.tumblr.com
Always and forever always,
Crutty.
April 3, 2011
Though my acting career came to an abrupt halt at an early age I do have the privilege of staring in two of the best reviewed “Superhero” films ever produced (at Ohio University.) I’ve played the affable-boob; a not so tough or street-smart villain in Superhero vs Villain. Then, as a man not to be type-cast, I easily transitioned into the superhero of all superheroes and stared as Clark Kent/Superman in End of the Day aka The Red Stuff Makes Him Bad. I preface with this information so that all of the readers (Chris) are aware I’m not a novice when it comes to this superhero stuff- I know what’s going on.
Not that I want to drop a knowledge bomb on ‘yall this early in the post, but I do resemble the man they call Superman. Let’s face-it: what I’m lacking in muscles I make up for with a chin-dimple and an infinitely drawable jawline. What I lack in alien speed, the ability to fly, and x-ray vision capabilities (I’m not faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, or able to jump buildings in a single bound) I negate with the most beautiful head of hair this side of Freddie Mercury.
So- aided by the above-mentioned chin, sleek jawline, and bushy hair I’ve decided to be a modern day superhero. I’m not talking about saving cats from trees, diverting the plans of dastardly wrongdoers, or even catching the occasional car thief…I am focusing solely on catching purse snatchers. You’re probably thinking, “He’s an angel” and you’re right. In fact, I’ve developed a simple workout focusing solely on building the needed skills to catch a purse snatcher. However, I cannot provide the secret to my natural ability to wrestle women into submission with my charm and good luck; sorry fellas (Chris.)
The workout: It begins with a nice stretch. Get your buns ready for fun, your groin all loosey-goosey, and your quads waxed and relaxed. Everyone has different dexterity, flexibility, and taste-buds. I like to stretch for 3-5 minutes, find what works for you and then progress to the meat of the workout.
Plyometrics follows the stretching. When chasing down a stealer of purses you need to be agile as you’re going to be weaving in-and-out of people on the street, jumping over benches, doing spin moves around the kid selling the daily newspaper, and avoiding your everyday street vendor. I recommend box-jumps, light weight lunges, and balancing on a ball and/or a beam of some kind. The goal of the workout is to be quick, lean, and attractive. The Hulk destroys property and monuments when he’s chasing bad guys. Batman uses weapons and Aquaman has gills. We should be more Spiderman than Thor, you know what I mean?
Strength training is also integral. Work with your own body weight by doing pull/chin-ups, push-ups, and hing-knee exercises. Also do squats (with or without weight) and dumbbell curls. It’s a good idea to have some bitchin’ pipes under your shirt sleeves because you never know who you’re going to be chasing down and a little bit of muscle can go a long way.
Speed is the key to the entire endeavor. Not only should our shorst-burst speed be excellent (4×10 meters- take a two-minute break between sets) but our long-range speed also needs to incredible to catch the turd who stole the purse in the first place. Run on a treadmill at medium speed for approximately three-minutes. Follow at a lower speed for five-minutes, then end with a sprint for thrity-seconds. Repeat this three times.
Okay, peeps (Chris)- I’ve equipped you with the tools to catch a thief (but not a predator, that’s for another post.) Be safe, be courteous, and get that gall-darn purse!
With love and superhero charm,
Matty Patty Mayny
March 7, 2011
So the word is out. Have you tinkled yet?
The new G. Love/Avett Bros. album is the poop’s payamas. That’s ‘pajamas’ in hispanic. I learned it from a fellow in Steve’ Martin’s movie Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.
The weather is turning and I’m as thrilled as a bunny rabbit to hike up my swim shorts and neglect to put sunscreen on. I implore you to visit me at the beach this summer. The waves crash high, the babes shake their fanny, the coke is cold. If you ask me, I wouldn’t even think you’d regret your decision to take this v’cation. We haven’t hugged in a very long time, let alone design and print labels for our DVD collection in a shared room while Adam beats Altier in video games and listen to headphones full of music at the same time, while kyle hangs out behind his cowboy doors and eat catsup, and the thieves stold the damn air conditioner, while we drop bowling balls and trick pizza delivery guy, and have to poop at Sonic. I mean… it’s been a while, my friend.
We must talk shop soon. Photo shop. Mechanic Shop. Soup Shoppe.
Hi.
Chris
January 17, 2011
Bonjour Sh’Dove,
There are a number of interesting anomalies in the world, and i’d be a real son of a bitch if I were to announce that height differences weren’t one of them. I mean the cosmic attraction from a person of a certain height and size to another person of equal or differentiating height and size. But first, let’s explore the other anomalies that this blog post is not about:
Butterfly Effects, Galoshes, Thesaurus’, Super Computers, Fathers’ Day, Brothers’ Day, Air Conditioning, Public Swimming Pools, Jumbo Shrimp, Library Cards, Chalkboard Dust, Michael Jordan’s Vertical Jump, Tits, Tits and Nipples, Belly Button Lint, Spaceship Control Boards, Ball Park Franks. Friends.
On to the meat of the post:
The various forms of entertainment out there, including laughs and chuckles and chortles are among my favorites. I go to the cinema. I go to the picture house and laugh clubs, the cock clubs, dick clubs. I’m around. Through every form of entertainment I find some good hearty fun and lifestyles in the comedy in the world. One thing I choose not to laugh at is people’s love for one and other. Call me old fashioned, but I like a solid connection between two people. Whether they be a coupla homosinuals, or just regular folk. If there’s love, there’s love. That’s hugging, humping and fucking, smooches, pets, and cuddles. Why ever take that away from a person with some sinister viewpoint on the matter. “GET A ROOM” I never yell out to them. It’s their freedom, they’ve earned.
1.
Classic Love. The loafers with socks is actual proof that this woman,and her freakish nature, is only interested in one thing with this tiny man…his heart and soul. He tucks in his blouse to his denims, and they are in love.
2.
This is another classic example of woman in half athletic gear, half club gear talking to her special guy like he’s a small dog. He yells up at her much different altitude (less oxygen available) “Hey dumbass, I love ya, but I love water just the same. Stop yer fuckin games and let me get by so I can refresh my body. I’m parched.” And I think that’s just somethin… It’s love Debo.
3.
A Love Need Not Explained.
You are my river. You are my Guiding Eagle, with Sonar Mind Control.
Drinngus.
January 15, 2011
Like the old saying goes, “Haters gonna hate and Slaters’ gonna slate.”
Critty, while you’ve been busy livin’ the Hollywood lifestyle (hangin’ with the stars, drivin’ fast cars, boozin’ at the bars) I’ve been keeping my head to the pavement for the latest news and rumors. Well, wouldn’t you know, I heard some pretty earth-shattering news a few days ago…it appears that someone in our great nation does not like AC Slater. Yes, I’ll type those words again (but only one more time, I don’t want to end up on the no fly list)- a US American citizen does not like AC Slater.
Late last week authorities (I can only assume CIA) were called to Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant in Homer Glen, Ill., to deal with an angry customer who allegedly shattered a framed photo of A.C. Slater. “I just don’t like Slater,” the man reportedly told the owner after allegedly yanking the photo from its place of pride above a urinal and smashing it on the floor before delivering a bevy of punches to the broken picture.
What’s left unclear in the article is exactly why this man (or untamed beast) has such an overwhelming disdain for one of television’s all time greatest characters. Was this man an alumni of Bayside’s rival high school Valley? Could it be a hatred for the pleated Z. Cavaricci pants Slater so proudly wore episode after episode? Maybe it’s a result of the way Slater treated Jessie during senior year or Slater’s miraculous dimples and 14-inch pythons; the world might never know.
My guess- it’s something way darker and more sinister. This man must have knowledge of the still missing and ever-so-adorable J.B. Slater. That’s right, AC’s kid-sister who appeared on only one episode and then was never mentioned or heard from again. Let’s face it, J.B. knowingly drove a wedge between her brother and his best friend.
Side note: how lax was the Bayside attendence policy? J.B. went to class for like a week and then left. Kelly spent 99% of senior year modeling in Europe and was still able to graduate. What-up with dat? Just what were these ladies saying- or should I saying “doing to” Mr. Belding? It’s a wonder none of the Bayside administrators never asked Mr. Belding, “Hey, Hey, Hey. What is going on here?
Anyway, I’d like to think this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. The at fault bar patron, who probably had a few too many that evening, should have just passed on that last drink (unlike Slater at that infamous senior-year toga party. Oh yeah, you know the one I’m talking about, at Ox’s house [did he ever graduate?] which resulted in a drunken Zack driving Ms. Turtle’s BMV into a phone pole. Ironically, drunk or not, this bar patron’s actions resembled that of the man he hates; AC Slater. As we know, AC decided to drink one more beer at the Toga party, crawl into the BMW and as a result of the accident, ended up with a shoulder injury, almost missing the homecoming game against Valley.
The moral here is simple: Whether you’re Lisa’s date to homecoming or slingin’ back Miller Lights at Mullet’s Sport’s Bar & Restaurant, when you’re upset don’t take it out on AC; Blame it on the Rain and just walk away.
Luh you, guy.
Matt
January 5, 2011
Critty,
Your Shy Dove has returned to the blogosphere. I apologize for the extended absence and I understand your impromptu closing of the website. Hey, no hard feelings (and I’ll accept your apology when you’re ready to extend one my way.)
While perusing the interweb, as I’ve been known to do, I stumbled across a wonderful website dedicated to your favorite item of clothing- the Jort. Now, the Jort (cutoff jean shorts for you geeks who don’t look at fashion magazines) has long been trumpeted by you as essential American clothing. I know this. You know this. And I’m pretty sure the rest of American knows this. In fact, we documented our love for the Jort in one of our infamous MattyChrismast cards circa 2006 AD. [see below]
The website- link here: Jortworld – features the latest in Jort news, styles, and applications. If you plan to wear the Jort, as I know you do, Jortworld is a must. More importantly- or maybe, more perfectly, Jortworld also features some columns on the essetinal Jort companion piece- The Mandal. Again, for all you fashion-mongoloids out there, the Mandal (man-sandal) is often worn with a pair of socks, preferably white. The Mandal/Jort combo is one of the most emasculating statements someone can make. It says, “Hey, I used to wear these shorts as jeans but I decided to cut the legs off- big whoop. Oh, and shoes are for ass- turds. Your feet are just as agile when wearing sandals.”
I’m writing this now Sweet Prince because you championed this look almost three years ago. Chris, you are a fashion icon. Don’t let anyone get in your way. Stand up straight, Velcro those straps, and walk out the door- show the world who Christ Mast is.
Luh you,
Matty “rat-ta-tat-tat” Maynard
December 31, 2010
Matty Chrismast 