Like the old saying goes, “Haters gonna hate and Slaters’ gonna slate.”

Critty, while you’ve been busy livin’ the Hollywood lifestyle (hangin’ with the stars, drivin’ fast cars, boozin’ at the bars) I’ve been keeping my head to the pavement for the latest news and rumors. Well, wouldn’t you know, I heard some pretty earth-shattering news a few days ago…it appears that someone in our great nation does not like AC Slater. Yes, I’ll type those words again (but only one more time, I don’t want to end up on the no fly list)- a US American citizen does not like AC Slater.

Late last week authorities (I can only assume CIA) were called to Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant in Homer Glen, Ill., to deal with an angry customer who allegedly shattered a framed photo of A.C. Slater. “I just don’t like Slater,” the man reportedly told the owner after allegedly yanking the photo from its place of pride above a urinal and smashing it on the floor before delivering a bevy of punches to the broken picture.

What’s left unclear in the article is exactly why this man (or untamed beast) has such an overwhelming disdain for one of television’s all time greatest characters. Was this man an alumni of Bayside’s rival high school Valley? Could it be a hatred for the  pleated Z. Cavaricci pants Slater so proudly wore episode after episode? Maybe it’s a result of the way Slater treated Jessie during senior year or Slater’s miraculous dimples and 14-inch pythons; the world might never know.

My guess- it’s something way darker and more sinister.  This man must have knowledge of the still missing and ever-so-adorable J.B. Slater. That’s right, AC’s kid-sister who appeared on only one episode and then was never mentioned or heard from again. Let’s face it, J.B. knowingly drove a wedge between her brother and his best friend.

Side note: how lax was the Bayside attendence policy? J.B. went to class for like a week and then left. Kelly spent 99% of senior year modeling in Europe and was still able to graduate. What-up with dat? Just what were these ladies saying- or should I saying “doing to” Mr. Belding?  It’s a wonder none of the Bayside administrators never asked Mr. Belding, “Hey, Hey, Hey. What is going on here?

Anyway, I’d like to think this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. The at fault bar patron, who probably had a few too many that evening, should have just passed on that last drink (unlike Slater at that infamous senior-year toga party. Oh yeah, you know the one I’m talking about, at Ox’s house [did he ever graduate?] which resulted in a drunken Zack driving Ms. Turtle’s BMV into a phone pole. Ironically, drunk or not, this bar patron’s actions resembled that of the man he hates; AC Slater. As we know, AC decided to drink one more beer at the Toga party, crawl into the BMW and as a result of the accident, ended up with a shoulder injury, almost missing the homecoming game against Valley.

The moral here is simple: Whether you’re Lisa’s date to homecoming or slingin’ back Miller Lights at Mullet’s Sport’s Bar & Restaurant, when you’re upset don’t take it out on AC; Blame it on the Rain and just walk away.

Luh you, guy.





Your Shy Dove has returned to the blogosphere. I apologize for the extended absence and I understand your impromptu closing of the website. Hey, no hard feelings (and I’ll accept your apology when you’re ready to extend one my way.)

While perusing the interweb, as I’ve been known to do, I stumbled across a wonderful website dedicated to your favorite item of clothing-  the Jort. Now,  the Jort (cutoff jean shorts for you geeks who don’t look at fashion magazines) has long been trumpeted by you as essential American clothing. I know this. You know this. And I’m pretty sure the rest of American knows this.  In fact, we documented our love for the Jort in one of our infamous MattyChrismast cards circa 2006 AD. [see below]

The website- link here:  Jortworld – features the latest in Jort news, styles, and applications. If you plan to wear the Jort, as I know you do, Jortworld is a must. More importantly- or maybe, more perfectly, Jortworld also features some columns on the essetinal Jort companion piece- The Mandal. Again, for all you fashion-mongoloids out there, the Mandal (man-sandal) is often worn with a pair of socks, preferably white. The Mandal/Jort combo is one of the most emasculating statements someone can make. It says, “Hey, I used to wear these shorts as jeans but I decided to cut the legs off- big whoop. Oh, and shoes are for ass- turds. Your feet are just as agile when wearing sandals.”

I’m writing this now Sweet Prince because you championed this look almost three years ago. Chris, you are a fashion icon. Don’t let anyone get in your way. Stand up straight, Velcro those straps, and walk out the door- show the world who Christ Mast is.

Luh you,

Matty “rat-ta-tat-tat” Maynard



Found some cool artwork on Beck’s website.

You’re gonna wanna look at these arts.

I’ve really gotten into the habit of detailing exactly where I may be when writing to you, my shy dove. As that builds consistency, I make no exceptions for today’s post. I’m here again at Absolutely Productions, in someone else’s desk working as a part-time office p.a. The sun shines in on my face and I’m happy to say I live on the west coast. I’m getting a cupcake today from a famous cupcake bakery that is going straight in my mouth. No stops, no detours, no weird curvy backroads…just full speed ahead (65mph or whatever the legal speed limit is) into the house of my face. My face-house.

When I think of the holidays I only think of a few fucking things. I try to keep these fucking things to a traditional minimal so as not to overwhelm my seasonal senses. I really do enjoy the part of the holidays that allows not only me, but everyone to repeat the same traditions and give the same gifts to their loved ones every single year. That’s right, your two left and right ears heard me correctly. Big Whoop! I give the same gifts to everyone I know year after year. That’s intentional Sonny-Jim. Why waste time on shopping, that’s not the fucking point of the holidays is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Well Is it? Huh? It? Ist? Didn’t quite think so, did I? No, I didn’t…Did I? Did i? Di…oh youuuuuu!

Anyhoooooch, here’s a list that comes to mind when I think of the winter holidays (chrimbus, chanukah, n’years, my pappy’s b-day)

Home Alone 1 & 2, Scrooged, Christmas Vacation, Irish Coffees, David Sedaris’ “Holiday’s on Ice,” Double Socks, Family,  Fireplaces, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas,” and Matty Chrismast.

When I get my cupcake, I’ll toast it to you. Oh and toasts… I associate toasts with holidays. All holidays.

Who wants to go sledding!?!?!

I’m sitting here in Tim and Eric’s office waiting for my boss to get here…I was called in yesterday and today to help out in the office. Pretty Rad…Pretty Rad. Currently the T&E crew is out on location shooting for their new Comedy Central show “John Benjamin Has a Van.” Hopefully I get on set a little to check that shit out. Look at this amazing painting that Eric found at a Gallery in NY…

Eh…It’s sideways. But that’s just life isn’t it?

So, I’m working on my new Thank-You card in my free time. Yes, it’s unit #2 of my 10 unit series. When the children are asleep, the kitchen has been fumigated and all the insects swept under the mat, I do find a little free time to get out the ol’ pencil and eraser. If i make too much racket, the little ones wake up and throw darts at my head, but that rarely happens anymore. And even if it does, I’ve replaced all of the poisonous tips with dried lasagna.

So what brings Mainstream McCoy the joy this fine American weekend? Shall it be a game of clue with the BBQ neighbor? Or how about a game of catch with the postal officer? Don’t tell me you’re up to no good with the milkman! Or do…do tell me such things and I’ll congratulate you on your candor and good judgement. It’s not everyday a man sleeps with a man who just slept with a man. Not with these country laws we’ve inherited. A Day in the Life, is worth two in the hand- John Lenhan.


I took a few hour break because i had to get to work. Lay off me okay? I’m trying to earn a damned decent living so I can provide for you and your family and me and my family.

For you, my heart is warm~


I was gonna wait and post an entry later this week, but huh uh! I’m postin in 5 minutes!

Here’s me and my sister-in-laws cousin waiting…