August 2010

Fact: Crime is bad.

So, how can we make crime good…or at least neutral?

Did you guess? Did you get it? Keep guessing…

Exactly, commit multiple crimes at once. Crime is full of common misconceptions. It’s  a word with a negative connotation. Fact: Every time someone uses the word “crime” in a sentence they are describing a crime that they have committed, are committing, or plan on committing.

Crimes are like double-negatives, once the second verb is conjugated incorrectly it’s like it didn’t never happen  So, in the case of the video below, this man wasn’t traveling the wrong way on a one way street and the other man wasn’t jaywalking.

For your double-crimes!


You heard it first! I say I’m going to come back the next day, and I do it. No jimmy-jackin around and no tommy-knockin around…I’m a man of my word. Turns out, though, I’m a man of my sword too. I recently unsheathed my dagger in a men’s public restroom last night when challenged to a duel. I’ll tell ya what…it’s a good thing I was packin, or I would have walked out of that bathroom door without my dignity. I almost left my sword at home., ya see. I’d just recently stopped carrying it around because it needs sharpened at the local swordsmith.

But I did indeed remember to sheath it that night, and I did indeed remember to slice this cowboy’s throat at the sound of the gun. We drew swords, I slit his throat in two. That was my night last night…what was yours?

For your consideration:



I’m sorry I haven’t been a writer in this blog for a little while. It’s due to my arms being busy with work and life…so fuck each of you.

Jus’ Kidd’n. Don’t go chasin waterfalls cuz I sure don’t want no scrubs.

See you tomorrow,


That’s right folks. I’m now working border security. What’s that you say? Noooo, not Mexican border security, but Little Chinese Kid Pirate border security.

And where exactly is this border? Right under your nose! Not figuratively, but literally…it’s your mustache.

Look! I caught one!



I’ve been eating food at restaurants for years now. Actually, it’s probably closer to a decade if you’re a stickler for dates (Critty!). In that time, I have never introduced myself to my server. In fact, no one has…EVER! People, listen to me, this is an under researched cultural phenomenon. Aren’t we taught from a young age to introduce ourselves and extend a friendly- hand when we meet someone; it’s proper etiquette, right? Why does this societal norm not apply to restaurant employees? After thinking about it over some coffee and  John Gresham novel, I decided to act and completely change the way I go about ordering food.

In the past six weeks I have introduced myself to every server that waits on me. From McCormick and Schmitts to Caribou Coffee, if the bring me food I’m introducing myself to them. It’s that simple.  I stand up and extend my hand and say, “Hi, I’m Matt. Nice to meet you.”  Ladies and gentlemen, I am changing society and I challenge you to do the same. It’s rewarding. Not only are America’s resturuants filled with good food they are also filled with potential good friends…So, get out there and start talking to the people who work at restaurants. It’s not like they all have scabies.

For your friends.

This is Merva. She works at Noodles & Co. I met her last week. Merva’s an absolute peach. She like men with beards, the sticky stuff from price-tags, and the Smashing Pumpkins.  Merva’s worked at Noodles & Co. for six years and has no plans to leave for the new IHop opening across the street.

Meet Natalie. She works as a master hostess at the Buxton Inn. Natalie and I hit it off right away. Not only did she recommend a dynamite spinach and feta chess omelet, but she also has an infatuation with ghost. Natalie and I have been on three ghost hunts since our meeting and we plan to locate at least one ghost (or ghoul) before the year ends.

There’s a conflict inside me that begs for attention: Do I go against everything Matt and I have created over the past few years (few days) and change the site’s name, url, appearance? Does this transformation take place just because some new hotshot asshole decided to join? Or do I hold on to the slight integrity I have left (after the war) and stick my cigar in the newcomer’s eye, and spit on the ground before him saying “shyea right.”

…Well my brain thought long and hard about it, I did a push-up and a whistle…I decided to compromise and only change the appearance of the site. That way our followers a plenty will know something is just a bit off, but not enough to stop supporting us and sending us their empty milk and juice cartons. *Sigh-o-Relief.

Brendan, we welcome you. Don’t fuck it up. Of course, I’m only foolin. You’re as welcome as a newborn baby, slick and naked and ready to learn! Bring what you may, and leave what you will. My heart is yours, as much if not much less, than it is Matt’s.

Two links for ya kids:

– my buddy’s site


*I just sighed.

I love the cigs! Love ’em!



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