January 2011


Bonjour Sh’Dove,

There are a number of interesting anomalies in the world, and i’d be a real son of a bitch if I were to announce that height differences weren’t one of them. I mean the cosmic attraction from a person of a certain height and size to another person of equal or differentiating height and size. But first, let’s explore the other anomalies that this blog post is not about:

Butterfly Effects, Galoshes, Thesaurus’, Super Computers,  Fathers’ Day, Brothers’ Day,  Air Conditioning, Public Swimming Pools, Jumbo Shrimp, Library Cards, Chalkboard Dust, Michael Jordan’s Vertical Jump, Tits, Tits and Nipples, Belly Button Lint, Spaceship Control Boards, Ball Park Franks. Friends.

On to the meat of the post:

The various forms of entertainment out there, including laughs and chuckles and chortles are among my favorites. I go to the cinema. I go to the picture house and laugh clubs, the cock clubs, dick clubs. I’m around. Through every form of entertainment I find some good hearty fun and lifestyles in the comedy in the world. One thing I choose not to laugh at is people’s love for one and other. Call me old fashioned, but I like a solid connection between two people. Whether they be a coupla homosinuals, or just regular folk. If there’s love, there’s love. That’s hugging, humping and fucking, smooches, pets, and cuddles. Why ever take that away from a person with some sinister viewpoint on the matter. “GET A ROOM” I never yell out to them. It’s their freedom, they’ve earned.

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Classic Love. The loafers with socks is actual proof that this woman,and her freakish nature, is only interested in one thing with this tiny man…his heart and soul. He tucks in his blouse to his denims, and they are in love.

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This is another classic example of woman in half athletic gear, half club gear talking to her special guy like he’s a small dog. He yells up at her much different altitude (less oxygen available) “Hey dumbass, I love ya, but I love water just the same. Stop yer fuckin games and let me get by so I can refresh my body. I’m parched.” And I think that’s just somethin… It’s love Debo.

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A Love Need Not Explained.

You are my river. You are my Guiding Eagle, with Sonar Mind Control.

Drinngus.

Like the old saying goes, “Haters gonna hate and Slaters’ gonna slate.”

Critty, while you’ve been busy livin’ the Hollywood lifestyle (hangin’ with the stars, drivin’ fast cars, boozin’ at the bars) I’ve been keeping my head to the pavement for the latest news and rumors. Well, wouldn’t you know, I heard some pretty earth-shattering news a few days ago…it appears that someone in our great nation does not like AC Slater. Yes, I’ll type those words again (but only one more time, I don’t want to end up on the no fly list)- a US American citizen does not like AC Slater.

Late last week authorities (I can only assume CIA) were called to Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant in Homer Glen, Ill., to deal with an angry customer who allegedly shattered a framed photo of A.C. Slater. “I just don’t like Slater,” the man reportedly told the owner after allegedly yanking the photo from its place of pride above a urinal and smashing it on the floor before delivering a bevy of punches to the broken picture.

What’s left unclear in the article is exactly why this man (or untamed beast) has such an overwhelming disdain for one of television’s all time greatest characters. Was this man an alumni of Bayside’s rival high school Valley? Could it be a hatred for the  pleated Z. Cavaricci pants Slater so proudly wore episode after episode? Maybe it’s a result of the way Slater treated Jessie during senior year or Slater’s miraculous dimples and 14-inch pythons; the world might never know.

My guess- it’s something way darker and more sinister.  This man must have knowledge of the still missing and ever-so-adorable J.B. Slater. That’s right, AC’s kid-sister who appeared on only one episode and then was never mentioned or heard from again. Let’s face it, J.B. knowingly drove a wedge between her brother and his best friend.

Side note: how lax was the Bayside attendence policy? J.B. went to class for like a week and then left. Kelly spent 99% of senior year modeling in Europe and was still able to graduate. What-up with dat? Just what were these ladies saying- or should I saying “doing to” Mr. Belding?  It’s a wonder none of the Bayside administrators never asked Mr. Belding, “Hey, Hey, Hey. What is going on here?

Anyway, I’d like to think this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. The at fault bar patron, who probably had a few too many that evening, should have just passed on that last drink (unlike Slater at that infamous senior-year toga party. Oh yeah, you know the one I’m talking about, at Ox’s house [did he ever graduate?] which resulted in a drunken Zack driving Ms. Turtle’s BMV into a phone pole. Ironically, drunk or not, this bar patron’s actions resembled that of the man he hates; AC Slater. As we know, AC decided to drink one more beer at the Toga party, crawl into the BMW and as a result of the accident, ended up with a shoulder injury, almost missing the homecoming game against Valley.

The moral here is simple: Whether you’re Lisa’s date to homecoming or slingin’ back Miller Lights at Mullet’s Sport’s Bar & Restaurant, when you’re upset don’t take it out on AC; Blame it on the Rain and just walk away.

Luh you, guy.

Matt

 

Critty,

Your Shy Dove has returned to the blogosphere. I apologize for the extended absence and I understand your impromptu closing of the website. Hey, no hard feelings (and I’ll accept your apology when you’re ready to extend one my way.)

While perusing the interweb, as I’ve been known to do, I stumbled across a wonderful website dedicated to your favorite item of clothing-  the Jort. Now,  the Jort (cutoff jean shorts for you geeks who don’t look at fashion magazines) has long been trumpeted by you as essential American clothing. I know this. You know this. And I’m pretty sure the rest of American knows this.  In fact, we documented our love for the Jort in one of our infamous MattyChrismast cards circa 2006 AD. [see below]

The website- link here:  Jortworld – features the latest in Jort news, styles, and applications. If you plan to wear the Jort, as I know you do, Jortworld is a must. More importantly- or maybe, more perfectly, Jortworld also features some columns on the essetinal Jort companion piece- The Mandal. Again, for all you fashion-mongoloids out there, the Mandal (man-sandal) is often worn with a pair of socks, preferably white. The Mandal/Jort combo is one of the most emasculating statements someone can make. It says, “Hey, I used to wear these shorts as jeans but I decided to cut the legs off- big whoop. Oh, and shoes are for ass- turds. Your feet are just as agile when wearing sandals.”

I’m writing this now Sweet Prince because you championed this look almost three years ago. Chris, you are a fashion icon. Don’t let anyone get in your way. Stand up straight, Velcro those straps, and walk out the door- show the world who Christ Mast is.

Luh you,

Matty “rat-ta-tat-tat” Maynard