April 2011


I wanna take this opportunity to not only admit my guilt, but invite you to enjoy the fruits of my behavior. I recently started a new blog with Mike Paulucci. People call him Paulooch, I sometimes do too. It’s a daily blog, it’s…it’s hard to explain. Listen, it’s not you, it’s me. It’s me and my big thick attitude. It’s an attitude that doesn’t deserve a guy like you. You’re a guy who doesn’t deserve an attitude like mine. My attitude and your glowing aura of love and honor don’t hang out at the same gay bars…They just don’t have the same things in common. My tude lovcd going to rollerderbies, while your aura has always loved flea markets and carnival rides. My big, thick, tude. I tell ya.

BUT….it’s not over. The horse is still in the race, and the prize is just as worthy.

Guess what this isn’t…a heart breaking. It’s a heart coming back together. Our hearts have once fallen on sharp daggers. That day is behind us and the strings now pull together. Please, when your eyes wonder without your guidance, let them wonder onto a new and exciting daily blog update that offers no real threat to our own blog..but additional inspiration and laughs and art.

Please, if you would do us the honor…www.yourplaidpants.tumblr.com

Always and forever always,

Crutty.

Though my acting career came to an abrupt halt at an early age I do have the privilege of staring in two of the best reviewed “Superhero” films ever produced (at Ohio University.) I’ve played the affable-boob; a not so tough or street-smart villain in Superhero vs Villain. Then, as a man not to be type-cast, I easily transitioned into the superhero of all superheroes and stared as Clark Kent/Superman in End of the Day aka The Red Stuff Makes Him Bad. I preface with this information so that all of the readers (Chris) are aware I’m not a novice when it comes to this superhero stuff- I know what’s going on.

Not that I want to drop a knowledge bomb on ‘yall this early in the post, but I do resemble the man they call Superman. Let’s face-it: what I’m lacking in muscles I make up for with a chin-dimple and an infinitely drawable jawline. What I lack in alien speed, the ability to fly, and x-ray vision capabilities (I’m not faster than a speeding bullet,  more powerful than a locomotive, or able to jump buildings in a single bound)  I negate with the most beautiful head of hair this side of Freddie Mercury.

So- aided by the above-mentioned chin, sleek jawline, and bushy hair I’ve decided to be a modern day superhero. I’m not talking about saving cats from trees, diverting the plans of dastardly wrongdoers, or even catching the occasional car thief…I am focusing solely on catching purse snatchers. You’re probably thinking, “He’s  an angel” and you’re right. In fact, I’ve developed a simple workout focusing solely on building the needed skills to catch a purse snatcher. However, I cannot provide the secret to my natural ability to wrestle women into submission with my charm and good luck; sorry fellas (Chris.)

The workout: It begins with a nice stretch. Get your buns ready for fun, your groin all loosey-goosey, and your quads waxed and relaxed.  Everyone has different dexterity, flexibility, and taste-buds. I like to stretch for 3-5 minutes, find what works for you and then progress to the meat of the workout.

Plyometrics follows the stretching. When chasing down a stealer of purses you need to be agile as you’re going to be weaving in-and-out of people on the street, jumping over benches, doing spin moves around the kid selling the daily newspaper, and avoiding your everyday street vendor. I recommend box-jumps, light weight lunges, and balancing on a ball and/or a beam of some kind.  The goal of the workout is to be quick, lean, and attractive. The Hulk destroys property and monuments when he’s chasing bad guys. Batman uses weapons and Aquaman has gills.  We should be more Spiderman than Thor, you know what I mean?

Strength training is also integral. Work with your own body weight by doing pull/chin-ups, push-ups, and hing-knee exercises. Also do squats (with or without weight) and dumbbell curls. It’s a good idea to have some bitchin’ pipes under your shirt sleeves because you never know who you’re going to be chasing down and a little bit of muscle can go a long way.

Speed is the key to the entire endeavor.  Not only should our shorst-burst speed be excellent (4×10 meters- take a two-minute break between sets) but our long-range speed also needs to incredible to catch the turd who stole the purse in the first place. Run on a treadmill at medium speed for approximately three-minutes. Follow at a lower speed for five-minutes, then end with a sprint for thrity-seconds. Repeat this three times.

Okay, peeps (Chris)- I’ve equipped you with the tools to catch a thief (but not a predator, that’s for another post.) Be safe, be courteous, and get that gall-darn purse!

With love and superhero charm,

Matty Patty Mayny