Critty, while you’ve been busy livin’ the Hollywood lifestyle (hangin’ with the stars, drivin’ fast cars, boozin’ at the bars) I’ve been keeping my head to the pavement for the latest news and rumors. Well, wouldn’t you know, I heard some pretty earth-shattering news a few days ago…it appears that someone in our great nation does not like AC Slater. Yes, I’ll type those words again (but only one more time, I don’t want to end up on the no fly list)- a US American citizen does not like AC Slater.
Late last week authorities (I can only assume CIA) were called to Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant in Homer Glen, Ill., to deal with an angry customer who allegedly shattered a framed photo of A.C. Slater. “I just don’t like Slater,” the man reportedly told the owner after allegedly yanking the photo from its place of pride above a urinal and smashing it on the floor before delivering a bevy of punches to the broken picture.
What’s left unclear in the article is exactly why this man (or untamed beast) has such an overwhelming disdain for one of television’s all time greatest characters. Was this man an alumni of Bayside’s rival high school Valley? Could it be a hatred for the pleated Z. Cavaricci pants Slater so proudly wore episode after episode? Maybe it’s a result of the way Slater treated Jessie during senior year or Slater’s miraculous dimples and 14-inch pythons; the world might never know.
My guess- it’s something way darker and more sinister. This man must have knowledge of the still missing and ever-so-adorable J.B. Slater. That’s right, AC’s kid-sister who appeared on only one episode and then was never mentioned or heard from again. Let’s face it, J.B. knowingly drove a wedge between her brother and his best friend.
Side note: how lax was the Bayside attendence policy? J.B. went to class for like a week and then left. Kelly spent 99% of senior year modeling in Europe and was still able to graduate. What-up with dat? Just what were these ladies saying- or should I saying “doing to” Mr. Belding? It’s a wonder none of the Bayside administrators never asked Mr. Belding, “Hey, Hey, Hey. What is going on here?
Anyway, I’d like to think this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. The at fault bar patron, who probably had a few too many that evening, should have just passed on that last drink (unlike Slater at that infamous senior-year toga party. Oh yeah, you know the one I’m talking about, at Ox’s house [did he ever graduate?] which resulted in a drunken Zack driving Ms. Turtle’s BMV into a phone pole. Ironically, drunk or not, this bar patron’s actions resembled that of the man he hates; AC Slater. As we know, AC decided to drink one more beer at the Toga party, crawl into the BMW and as a result of the accident, ended up with a shoulder injury, almost missing the homecoming game against Valley.
The moral here is simple: Whether you’re Lisa’s date to homecoming or slingin’ back Miller Lights at Mullet’s Sport’s Bar & Restaurant, when you’re upset don’t take it out on AC; Blame it on the Rain and just walk away.
Luh you, guy.